Rain

The rain
Drip by drip
drop by drop
Of icy needles that pierce through my tender skin

Cool winds brushed against my cheeks
Howling into my ears
Sharing stories of loneliness

In vain
I stood alone at the bustop
I tucked both of my hands into my jacket for warmth
But still feeling cold in my heart...

Is that how loneliness feel?
Or is that the cold silence within my heart that is unwilling to speak up
I called out with all my might...voices echoed with my throat...
Even the rustling of the leaves with the winds and the piter pattering of rain on the shelter of the bustops sounds even louder than my delicate voice...

Is that how soft i am?

?

Hi im back again...since the day i ORDed...
Its been two weeks plus ba.....and things nowadays gotten better i think,
I luckily got my driving license in just one attempt....totally lucky...haha guess lady luck was by my side that day or rather it was my formal dressing that charmed the tester...hahaaha

Nowadays days seemed to be shorter...
everytime i leave home...i only managed to catch a glimpse of the morning sun...didnt really get to enjoy much of it as i will be rushing to go for work...
Every morning i will also see the same group of ppl....the same grp of children waiting for their sch bus...the same caucasian walking her dog...the same old woman who i will meet while crossing across the same rd but in an opposite direction....

haha its all these little stuff around me that makes my everyday trip to work an enjoyable and interesting one....

work has never been the same..........
its never ending......
its a process to grow a tummy...
its a process to reflect how personal time is important....
its a chance to know who cares for u...
its a chance for u to turn down a date by smsing back i dunno when i will be knocking off....

there were times when i was doing work..and this thought just strucked me.....
i was thinking how could people actually survive on this kinda work for years
its like doing an endless cycle of similar stuffs...
being locked up in an air conditioned room the whole day...
the chances of enjoying the warmth of the sun are reduced to. (on the way to work and lunch breaks).
staring at the computer whole day....as though it was ur wife.....( i would rather stare at my wife - if i have- than a computer)
looking at numbers everday.... i guess numbers can become a language itself....
A says:'' 123254685432''
B says:" 65468443654''

haiz..........

but no choice i guess....

I was the one who chose the wrong path..and its for me to make up for it...........

is loving someone so difficult?
or is loving yourself more difficult?

is saying i love u more difficult than i hate u?

is saying u did a great job more difficult than u did a bad job?

is saying sorry for the mistakes u make difficult?

Days after ORD

Its 13th of November 2008,
Its the 2nd day since i last seen my camp.

Haha i never knew that it will actually end this way....
Everything just faded quietly....
It feels like 1yr 10months worth of dreams...
Sometimes it would be a nightmare...
Sometimes it would be a sweet little dream...
But gladly its is something that i will never forget for life i guess...
Haha its kinda difficult for people living from all around singapore to get together..
Perhaps its this kind of special bond that brought us closer and closer together each day...
The days we wet the parade square with our sweat....the days we gossip and talk about anything under the sun in bunk....the days we get into trouble together....

Frankly speaking...its the first time i get to be myself...
The laughters i gave were all genuine.

Although everything ended up the hard way...
I learnt my lessons...
I had to grow up fast....
I had no one to blame to but myself
But thanked everyone who had helped me in one way or another..

I know myself.....sometimes i look down on myself too much...
I didnt dare to take an extra step out of my own comfort zone/ protected zone..
But i tried this time...and failed terribly...
I thought it would be chance for me to prove to myself that im worthwhile...
I'm useful.....
But it ended up as a double-edged sword....hurting myself the most and gotten others worried...

No matter how much good deeds i did to reclaim myself.....it will always end up otherwise....
Why Why Why......

Hi yo! im back again...haha recently slightly free thats why theres time for me to write more craps.

Regarding the previous post....im not really feeling emo la....its just that i would like to pen down ( type down) some of the interesting memories that i have in camp....

But certainly there is no doubt that i will truely miss all these stuffs...

I should say its a period of time that i go through the most shit....some of them i didnt expect that me would ever do or experience at all....

But at the same time...it is a period of time that i gain the most....making new friends...learning more about myself...

After all these....im back to myself again....

I wont be....

Now is close to the end of september already....

left 1 month plus....

i wont be seeing friends that live at the opposite end of the island frequently anymore....
i wont be waking up at 6 plus am for breakfast,
i wont be dreading to go for live runs during mons,weds and fris...
i wont be afraid to lie on the bed anymore...
i wont be hiding in some unknown place to avoid arrows...
i wont be the one to clear rubbish at the rubbish point,
i wont be the one folding blankets and tidying up the bunk for everyone...
i wont be afraid of getting a weekend burnt...
i wont be seeing the wall anymore...
i wont be seeing the few animals....
i wont be someone's godson anymore...(more of a willing feeling instead of a reluctant one)
i wont be touching the tank anymore...
i wont be doing WITs project using the lousy impress programme...
i wont be going out in the nights to yew tee and lot 1 and causeway point..
i wont be touching my number 24 again...
i wont be smelling and touching carbon anymore...
i wont be using more than 5mins to put on a pair of shoes
i wont be dressed in a single shade of colour again...
i wont be eating peas and rasins rice again...
i wont be seeing mr gan again...
i wont be smelling the k9 unit smell again...
i wont be able to enjoy the talks that we have in the night before our sleep...
i wont be hearing the live piano performances from tim, andeous and x.x.xxxxuan wei..
i wont be able to hear mingyang's charming voice...
i wont be able to hear si wei's contagious laughter...
i wont be hearing ryo's interesting new songs...
i wont be seeing kenny's peaceful look when he is sleeping...
i wont be seeing wilson playing psp till late at night and of course his fabulous ability of spreading rumours...
i wont be hearing shuan's accent..
i wont be seeing nich rushing to be the first one to sign the book in/out book...
i wont be seeing moks artistically arranged stuffs around his sleeping area..
i wont be seeing rj slacking in the storeman bunk..
i wont be smelling raghu's formidable feet..
i wont be seeing bernard's over the moon smile...
i wont be seeing my cu mo ops buddy..
i wont be seeing edward NE!!!
i wont be hearing john's and eugene's new chapters of the series of unfortunate events of wesley..
i wont be seeing junyi's moments of agitation...(neck extension)
And finally wont be seeing the shrek and donkey anymore... heeheee

rain

another 3 more months ..i will be free again....

but i do not know whether i have enough motivation to scrape through this period.

as time seems to reach to an end....the hands on the clocks seem to be getting heavier...

every second felt like minutes...every minute felt like hours....

and things that i do...now appears to be getting on every else's nerves.

Am i still doing too much..?

everytime i try to put in my best...there will always be someone out there who will put a wet blanket over me.

but ironically...these people out there regard me as their wet blanket.

things on earth are so difficult to balance...perhaps thats what they term as imperfect when things doesnt go their desired way.

the weather out there is pouring with rain again... another attempt by god to balance things out...
to allow those who are constantly preoccupied by themselves to genuinely sit down and reflect on their actions. to allow those who are always seeing blissful and fortunate things happening around them to realise that things are not always this way.... pain and relief...they come together... we always hate pain....we look forward to relief...no matter wat the solutions might be...but once the pain end....we will always look back and realise how much a person can grow through pain. maybe its a human's survival instinct to protect their ownself...irregardless of how selfless their solutions or actions might be...they will always dive into the quickest and easiest way out. But not do they know that its a whole vicious cycle. I stab u from ur back...next time i will definitely find a way to pay it back...haha..thats the game that adults are playing.

i feel lost and lonely most of the time...not because i dont have people who cares for me...though i have loads of friends ....loving family....there are too many of these questions that bothers me....and no one could provide me with the answer.

i always think that it its a joke for a twenty year old to be bothered so much about these things.
but i realise i have a greater sense of empathy for those who had lived beyond my age and not realising about all these attributes of life...

Im twenty now....
20....
i've been living in this world for 1/5 of a decade.

But im starting to question the ability of time to mould a person..
to be more matured.

THe JUNe days

I looked and pondered,
Where would all these go?
Its like a container of water,
water that dances with the alternate tilting of the container.

I searched and observed,
Where are they going?
Its like an evergoing construction site,
where workers marches and do not ever sweat.

I thought and talked,
What am i doing?
Its like an never ending vicious cycle,
where my mind is frozen with endless boredom.

I yearn for my wings,
I wish to fly and soar,
I hope that the hands would move double its speed,

Just hopes it ends.............

Piano

I am the pianist. A pianist that ironically wishes that his piano would play on its own. A pianist without scores...without even the slightest knowledge of what music is...still hopes and wishes to perform.

What is music to him?

Something intagible but it provides the strongest support for him.

What else?

Something that would revolve around his life and make it the most beautiful thing on earth.

Me the pianist, at times would stroll down rows of shophouses selling pianos...

But i would always end up a lonely journey back home...

That is when i will put away my role as a pianist....

Feeling the sense of freedom but also the desire again to play the next melody.

Ripples within the waves of life

I like the colour yellow. It lightens me up, cheers me up and perks me up. To me its an extraordinary colour that would remain as it is no matter how bad the surrounding environment is. It is a colour that brings life to those that are suffering in darkness. It is a colour that brings hope to people.

I guess everything in life is hard to balance and hard to grasp. At times when you thought that you had fully understand the meaning of certain stuffs in life...someone would be there to prove you wrong. That is when you will start to question on your own beliefs...causing your central pillar of credence to be shaken.

For the past few years, I had always been asking myself if I had done too many a good things for others. (Not that I'm a saint or anything...and not as though I had done a million of nice stuffs to people)...but credibly I'm always thinking for others first before myself. Because I had this mentality for a really long time..which is ; everything works within a cycle, if you are nice to someone..maybe a day later or a yr later or even a decade later he or she will eventually repay you. And it makes my heart tickles when i see someone smile or showing signs of gratitude towards me.

But once again...under the reality of life and the crucial means of survivability in the adult world ...such simple application of the simple equation good=good is never valid. Therefore at times...learning how to say NO and be firm with your own stand is encouraged. Being a devil for once or twice can actually prevent future complications..such as people starting to treat you as a slave..people starting to make use of your '' goodness'' for their own benefits...people start to climb over your head.

Until now I do not know whether it is a blessing a not for me to be able to think so much...being able to analyze stuffs so detailedly. Sometimes it troubles me but at times it allows me to see more things in life as compared to others...( especially those who lives within their own lives of selfishness)

Halo HA!`

I was walking home with my friends one day..and i just adruptly pointed straight to the sky and say " Hey look at those clouds..they look beautiful!". But blatantly i was replied with faces of disapproval.

That was then i felt lonely again. How i wish someone would admire and appreciate such things in life with me. That was then again i felt different. While the others would go on blabbering about how interesting computer gameplays are and how soccer would cause an uproar in their life...i just smiled..blankly smiled...as though i was fitting into their conversation.

And i do know that people likes to complain....everytime when things that they do not wish to do are thrown to them...they will start questioning why..den followed on by comparing to others...den after that they will proceed on to hide from or deflect the responsiblities to others.
Thus everytime such things happen...the first thought that comes to my mind is ... how i wish how i wish...how i wish everyone else would have slightly more initiative ...slightly more motivation....

I will always look around me...people from different family backgrounds..that was when i started to realise how childhood realli makes a difference in a person's life. I have this friend of mine that was born in a family that isnt well off...but i respect him most as compared to any one else. Not that he is just a nice guy...but the way that he cares for his siblings..his parents really touched me. Sometimes when i overheard conversations between him and his family through phone...i envy him to a certain extent. Den i will qns myself why cant i show that amount of concern to my family as well.

and once again I guess i will be continuing to walk down this path in my life that will not meet any junctions, any crossroads...and it will not change unless i start to make my own turn.

It's been really long since i updated my blog.....ya cant blame me either as i've been busy with my army stuffs for the past few weeks. Firstly i want to give my most genuine blessings to those who are enlisting soon...ALvin..please take care...if possible just be yourself...no need to mask here and there de...just hope u will adapt to this kind of life realli quickly..any problems just feel free to call me or msg me...and Stantley...ppl who has the same bdae as me will definitely do fine in ns de la...just remember to make more friends and enjoy ur life in police ba.

For me just 8 more months, and i will be receiving my beloved pink ic, but once again after receving it...its like passing me a whole new piece of blank paper....waiting for me to fill it up one by one. I know everyone in life has dreams..things they desire to do...things they want to do but dare not do...for me ....these things are in piles. I just basically lock them up in a room at some corner of my heart... I dunno ..i still havent find the key to release them yet. Even though i noe if i get to unlock these things..i might lead a happier life...there is some sort of reluctance to it now...

the uncertainties,
the first step,
are some of the invisible barriers that are stopping me.

till today, everytime i go out...im just wandering aimlessly...doing things that people had planned for me....doing things that others are doing...

i guess until now the hardest thing is to love and appreaciate myself...even though i noe alot of people out there are appreciating my presence.

im just tired of putting masks...i just do not wish to be another clown.

Ducky's FEb mail

I really should admit it...
Even though I somehow want it to happen but at the same time not wanting it too...
Time really really flies.....
Im hitting the number 2 already..gosh..and there are so many things that i am supposed to do and have not done,
Just 8 more months and i will be pink again...
And i guess it would also be an indication that my nxt phrase of life has just begun.


Nowadays, i could really understand the feeling of ease...the kind of feeling that in the first place doesnt exist at all..
A kind of lightness...emptiness...an ability to allow you to understand and grasp things more easily..an ability to allow u to see things at a broader perspective.
But once again this new discovery had subconsciously created the new side of me...

I look around me once again...meticulously scanning through every detail of every person i know or yet not know. At the first glance I could see his or her pros and cons simultaneously appear. But i always choose to look at things that are beautiful in that person. Therefore i stood in a clear stand of neutrality in every possible matter. I do not know whether its right or not. People say that i should not always side both sides so as to uphold my title of being a 'good person'. Mmmm..im always stumbled by this question or rather this irony in life. Frankly speaking, i do know im slightly different from others...i see more things than others...i somehow know more details of a person than others..currently im still treating it as a gift..not a hassle...but there is still loads of time to turn that conclusion around.

But once and once again...
Whats beautiful if everything in life is perfect.
Isnt it a matter of fact that humans themselves are full of flaws.
And the most beautiful thing in life is how people help one another to overcome them...how people are willing to change every bit of themselves for that someone he or she loves.
And without flaws, even time will come to a standstill as no one would selflessly desire to improve themselves.
Perhaps till now we would still be dressed in animals skins and dried leaves.

Flaw itself is a beauty,
And an imperfect person should be a person who always encourages himself or herself by saying 'IM.perfect'. HAhaha

Happy Chinese New Year..!!!!

MAking it easy...haha

Haiz after much thoughts...i decided to post my entries in a more understandable manner...but i have to admit my english sucks,...so if should there be any grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes...pls pls forgive me..pity me...( haha as if anyone cares abt writing proper english in blogs)..

It's been quite a long time since i posted new entries....i would really like to note down the events of my life in a daily basis..but i guess its quite difficult...sometimes perhaps im a little(really little) lazy or i have truly no mood to pen it down at all.

Time really flies...i mean they do...you cant see them at all...but u can feel them...every time i glance at my watch..the number changes and so do time. People cant control time...all they can do is to make every second a fruitful one...be it walking along a path in a park and admiring the little movements of branches and leaves with the ongoing breeze or taking time off to help or care for those people in need. I know the way i phrase it might sound quite zen haha but thats the way it is.

Every time, i lift my head up and look at things around me, people around me...i realise so much have changed. Others did, but i dunno if i did?...i admit im a boring person.....haha i seldom do things on my own i guess....i feel lonely very easily....but i will usually deny it.

Life in green really totally changed my life... i see things at a much bigger picture now. I see how people can be so selfish and self-centered for their own survival; I see how some of them are willing to help others without asking anything in return ;I see how some of them can truly be ur friend how some of them can only be remained as acquaintance; I see how things can only revolve around a protocol and not being able to flex a little when things realli turn out bad ; I see how things are all about pushing blames : I see how things are inseparable from money.

Haha sounds depressing?...Nah.. the joy in all this is how u twist and turn with all these loopholes..try to see things one at a time and not straight ahead to ord...it will make ur life slightly better....I always thought im different....i dun noe why...but frankly speaking..im not...i feel tired at times..i feel lost all the time...i feel happy, sad, lonely at times...

actually everyday in my life..i hope i could live an exciting one....(of cos when im not wearing green)...i realise everyday in my life...i worry for others...i think of others....but im not doing that for myself....the only reason i can think of is that ...Im not worthy for...actually to a certain extent i hate myself for being who i am in the past....but what is past has passed....why brood over it....

Perhaps now im just waiting ba..waiting for someone who can light up my life...someone who brings smiles and laughters....lovely memories....I''' ll wait....hopefully till that day comes

Dreams?

Every time I open my arms,

I feel the gentle brush of breeze,

On my cheeks,

Against my palms.

The loose flaps of my shirt sing in sync with the howling of the passing wind.

Everyday I wish for the day to come,

The day filled with creamy white fluffy clouds that are imprinted on the clear flat azure blue skies,

The day that hosts the recitals of the crickets in the open plains,

The day when I could just freely hop onto piles of dried brown leaves,

The day where butterflies put on their best costumes personifying the characters from the ballet masterpiece "Swan Lake".

Everyone,

I bet,

At certain periods of their life,

Hope to soar up high in the skies,

Hope to lay upon soft carpet of grass and enjoy the graceful sight of passing clouds that might sometime take the forms of our favourite cartoon characters.

But once again...

Every time,

Everyday,

My dreams seemed to drift further,

I felt as though every moment I try to reach further,

I will lose my balance and fall back to square one.

I do not know when is the best time to let go,

When is the best time to grab tightly,

Until now.... I'm still pondering....