hehe

Time trickles away
Seeping
Everytime i look at her
The battle scars of time and her weak body is so vivid
I know she needs me more than i need her
But she is wrong
I cant imagine my life without her
Someone to walk with
Someone who loves to wrap her hands around my arms when she walks beside me
Someone who laughs and smiles when i tease her
Someone who talks rubbish with me
Someone who worries about me

Today, I ask her to take a 5 min break from housechores
and have a sit on the bed...
I went off and hid behind the door
and peeked...to see if she is resting
hahhaaa uncontrollably tears started to flow
my heart turned sour
twisted....
i finally notice how time is unforgiving
how illnesses are unforgiving

i want her to feel better
be healthy again
be happy again
but i felt helpless...i could never bring back time....
she looks like some innocent kid....listening to my orders..sitting at the edge of the bed and reading a magazine...
hahaa.........
i wish i can do more...besides...making time for her during holidays...
Time really flies...

Maybe me myself now...is all wasted....
like a piece of flat tire..
haha
where did all my motivation go?
a young man like me should be looking forward to attaining my 5Cs in life...
plans for this and that!
Making alot alot of money!

maybe im tired already......
im always there for others....always making sure if they are alright....accompany them
but i always fail to look out for myself...
ppl tell me all the time....try to love urself ....give urself some value....haha i agree
but i dunno how to....cos i hated myself so much last time....i guess i need time to accept myself again...haha digging old scars could be painful...

But thanks again..for ppl around me
i love u guys..and hope that u guys love me too....
Thanks for everything :) and please love the people u have around u now....its not really nice to regret later in life...haha

HAppy posts

OMG...Dust dust dust everywhere....

hahah i guess is kinda outdated to post something in blog...but i guess mmm...i can treat it as a garbage bin for rubbish thoughts..

recently i seemed to have lost track of time...or maybe i didnt want to keep track of time....

holidays...the time permitted for me to catch up on stuffs that i have lost during school terms..

the time for me rest my body...rest my mind...and to gear up for the next battle...

even though i strongly believed in that...it had never happened to me...haha...

i actualy do feel stress without a day of planning...without deadlines...it just feels that as though time has gone to waste...not every bit of the second is put to good use....wasting my life staring in front of the computer..watching shows after shows...playing pokemon after pokemon...eating after eating...sleeping after sleeping.

many things had happened lately....until im not sure what my emotions are....it feels like....a mesh up lump of stones in my chest area...haha..i dunno whether its good or bad

bad is because i dunno what am i doing

good is because i dunno what am i doing

( i used to set up barriers to hide the true emotions) ( so unless u are some superhuman that could read peoples mind.. practically nobody knows me )

but wat lies underneath these facades are what man really needs....which i think most of us are seriously lacking in....the idea of genuinity is diminishing...

as human interaction gets lesser...with the presence of "high tech gadgets" the skill of masking totally rule the world now...haha

...sometimes you really do not know the hidden emotions behind whatever the person is typing..

maybe they can go... ohoh please take good care of yourself (like i would be bothered with you )

its quite scary though.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes its just a mere distance away

i tried to take a few steps

thought you were close

but i felt i am not

then backed a few steps back again

back to square one

-

sometimes i thought efforts are enough

i tried to put in more

thought u were close

but felt that i needed more

then backed a few steps back again

back to square one

-

anticipation and waiting

day to day

messaging and sharing

is like a must

i'll feel weird without one

what about you?

-

tidal waves came one after another

your smile on the face went along with it

when is the sunny smile and laughter ever gonna rise again?

helplessness as i may feel.. all i could do is to make u laugh

-

i thought i did enough

but i questioned again did i?

but i questioned again should i?

time will never stop for me to wait and think

but i chose to wait

afraid that what i think wasnt what i think

-

forgive and pardon for my timidness

as assumptions and guesses clouded everything..

-

it has been 6 years...haha everything comes and go....as if it is meant to be

as much i had disembarked away from this journey...i still made my way back

im just afraid that it had became a habit

something that might make me make the wrong decision

but life is all about trial and error isnt it? haha

-

time will come if it is meant to be...

but it will also end if it is meant to be....

-

people talk about grabbing oportunities....hahah im really bad in that.....i will just turn my back around and say its ok.....i might be searching for excuses...for i may not be able to fufil any promises...or maybe im really hard on myself again...

-

just like the hands on the clock face, when will ever both hands meet? it would only be a mere min..once its gone, i will have to wait again...hahaha but i dunno whether its worth waiting for.. :)

Gosh Gosh cob webs everywhere...here and there.....haha i guess its time to clean up a bit.

its been almost 6 months since i ord le ba.....
time flies man......time realli does.
Especially when you are working...every month all you wish is for the pay day to come...
haha den when pay day comes...you will look forward to your next pay day...and this goes on and on...
haha and i guess its time to pamper myself...after these few months of hard work...its
been a long long time since i bought something for myself...

New shirts, watch? bag... ? watever....

Frankly speaking...although time seems to accelerate faster and faster...the quality of time gets lower and lower. sometimes at work...i would ponder what should i do to make life more interesting and fruitful.

LEarn new skills? ...make new friends...?
Haha but i will end up with a conculsion
"Haiz tired..."

The energy...the never-say-die attitude of me seems to be fading away....im also beginning to lose confidence within myself.

There are certainly lots and lots of dilemma in the real world. The simple act of merely helping a friend falls into the sceptism of whether he will use the money to repay his depts or using it to gamble. haha..Im totally clueless about how to deal with this problem...especially when he is quite close to you at certain episode of your life...especially when he personally calls you and tells you that his family is in danger...and he needs that certain amount of money to solve the issue.

But the problem also lies in the fact that it isnt the first time...furthermore....im just 21 and im not earning loads of money every month.

I ask myself....am i too nice to be good.....why is it so difficult to say no sometimes...even harder den seeking someone for forgiveness.

Rain

The rain
Drip by drip
drop by drop
Of icy needles that pierce through my tender skin

Cool winds brushed against my cheeks
Howling into my ears
Sharing stories of loneliness

In vain
I stood alone at the bustop
I tucked both of my hands into my jacket for warmth
But still feeling cold in my heart...

Is that how loneliness feel?
Or is that the cold silence within my heart that is unwilling to speak up
I called out with all my might...voices echoed with my throat...
Even the rustling of the leaves with the winds and the piter pattering of rain on the shelter of the bustops sounds even louder than my delicate voice...

Is that how soft i am?

?

Hi im back again...since the day i ORDed...
Its been two weeks plus ba.....and things nowadays gotten better i think,
I luckily got my driving license in just one attempt....totally lucky...haha guess lady luck was by my side that day or rather it was my formal dressing that charmed the tester...hahaaha

Nowadays days seemed to be shorter...
everytime i leave home...i only managed to catch a glimpse of the morning sun...didnt really get to enjoy much of it as i will be rushing to go for work...
Every morning i will also see the same group of ppl....the same grp of children waiting for their sch bus...the same caucasian walking her dog...the same old woman who i will meet while crossing across the same rd but in an opposite direction....

haha its all these little stuff around me that makes my everyday trip to work an enjoyable and interesting one....

work has never been the same..........
its never ending......
its a process to grow a tummy...
its a process to reflect how personal time is important....
its a chance to know who cares for u...
its a chance for u to turn down a date by smsing back i dunno when i will be knocking off....

there were times when i was doing work..and this thought just strucked me.....
i was thinking how could people actually survive on this kinda work for years
its like doing an endless cycle of similar stuffs...
being locked up in an air conditioned room the whole day...
the chances of enjoying the warmth of the sun are reduced to. (on the way to work and lunch breaks).
staring at the computer whole day....as though it was ur wife.....( i would rather stare at my wife - if i have- than a computer)
looking at numbers everday.... i guess numbers can become a language itself....
A says:'' 123254685432''
B says:" 65468443654''

haiz..........

but no choice i guess....

I was the one who chose the wrong path..and its for me to make up for it...........

is loving someone so difficult?
or is loving yourself more difficult?

is saying i love u more difficult than i hate u?

is saying u did a great job more difficult than u did a bad job?

is saying sorry for the mistakes u make difficult?

Days after ORD

Its 13th of November 2008,
Its the 2nd day since i last seen my camp.

Haha i never knew that it will actually end this way....
Everything just faded quietly....
It feels like 1yr 10months worth of dreams...
Sometimes it would be a nightmare...
Sometimes it would be a sweet little dream...
But gladly its is something that i will never forget for life i guess...
Haha its kinda difficult for people living from all around singapore to get together..
Perhaps its this kind of special bond that brought us closer and closer together each day...
The days we wet the parade square with our sweat....the days we gossip and talk about anything under the sun in bunk....the days we get into trouble together....

Frankly speaking...its the first time i get to be myself...
The laughters i gave were all genuine.

Although everything ended up the hard way...
I learnt my lessons...
I had to grow up fast....
I had no one to blame to but myself
But thanked everyone who had helped me in one way or another..

I know myself.....sometimes i look down on myself too much...
I didnt dare to take an extra step out of my own comfort zone/ protected zone..
But i tried this time...and failed terribly...
I thought it would be chance for me to prove to myself that im worthwhile...
I'm useful.....
But it ended up as a double-edged sword....hurting myself the most and gotten others worried...

No matter how much good deeds i did to reclaim myself.....it will always end up otherwise....
Why Why Why......

Hi yo! im back again...haha recently slightly free thats why theres time for me to write more craps.

Regarding the previous post....im not really feeling emo la....its just that i would like to pen down ( type down) some of the interesting memories that i have in camp....

But certainly there is no doubt that i will truely miss all these stuffs...

I should say its a period of time that i go through the most shit....some of them i didnt expect that me would ever do or experience at all....

But at the same time...it is a period of time that i gain the most....making new friends...learning more about myself...

After all these....im back to myself again....