Ripples within the waves of life

I like the colour yellow. It lightens me up, cheers me up and perks me up. To me its an extraordinary colour that would remain as it is no matter how bad the surrounding environment is. It is a colour that brings life to those that are suffering in darkness. It is a colour that brings hope to people.

I guess everything in life is hard to balance and hard to grasp. At times when you thought that you had fully understand the meaning of certain stuffs in life...someone would be there to prove you wrong. That is when you will start to question on your own beliefs...causing your central pillar of credence to be shaken.

For the past few years, I had always been asking myself if I had done too many a good things for others. (Not that I'm a saint or anything...and not as though I had done a million of nice stuffs to people)...but credibly I'm always thinking for others first before myself. Because I had this mentality for a really long time..which is ; everything works within a cycle, if you are nice to someone..maybe a day later or a yr later or even a decade later he or she will eventually repay you. And it makes my heart tickles when i see someone smile or showing signs of gratitude towards me.

But once again...under the reality of life and the crucial means of survivability in the adult world ...such simple application of the simple equation good=good is never valid. Therefore at times...learning how to say NO and be firm with your own stand is encouraged. Being a devil for once or twice can actually prevent future complications..such as people starting to treat you as a slave..people starting to make use of your '' goodness'' for their own benefits...people start to climb over your head.

Until now I do not know whether it is a blessing a not for me to be able to think so much...being able to analyze stuffs so detailedly. Sometimes it troubles me but at times it allows me to see more things in life as compared to others...( especially those who lives within their own lives of selfishness)

Halo HA!`

I was walking home with my friends one day..and i just adruptly pointed straight to the sky and say " Hey look at those clouds..they look beautiful!". But blatantly i was replied with faces of disapproval.

That was then i felt lonely again. How i wish someone would admire and appreciate such things in life with me. That was then again i felt different. While the others would go on blabbering about how interesting computer gameplays are and how soccer would cause an uproar in their life...i just smiled..blankly smiled...as though i was fitting into their conversation.

And i do know that people likes to complain....everytime when things that they do not wish to do are thrown to them...they will start questioning why..den followed on by comparing to others...den after that they will proceed on to hide from or deflect the responsiblities to others.
Thus everytime such things happen...the first thought that comes to my mind is ... how i wish how i wish...how i wish everyone else would have slightly more initiative ...slightly more motivation....

I will always look around me...people from different family backgrounds..that was when i started to realise how childhood realli makes a difference in a person's life. I have this friend of mine that was born in a family that isnt well off...but i respect him most as compared to any one else. Not that he is just a nice guy...but the way that he cares for his siblings..his parents really touched me. Sometimes when i overheard conversations between him and his family through phone...i envy him to a certain extent. Den i will qns myself why cant i show that amount of concern to my family as well.

and once again I guess i will be continuing to walk down this path in my life that will not meet any junctions, any crossroads...and it will not change unless i start to make my own turn.

It's been really long since i updated my blog.....ya cant blame me either as i've been busy with my army stuffs for the past few weeks. Firstly i want to give my most genuine blessings to those who are enlisting soon...ALvin..please take care...if possible just be yourself...no need to mask here and there de...just hope u will adapt to this kind of life realli quickly..any problems just feel free to call me or msg me...and Stantley...ppl who has the same bdae as me will definitely do fine in ns de la...just remember to make more friends and enjoy ur life in police ba.

For me just 8 more months, and i will be receiving my beloved pink ic, but once again after receving it...its like passing me a whole new piece of blank paper....waiting for me to fill it up one by one. I know everyone in life has dreams..things they desire to do...things they want to do but dare not do...for me ....these things are in piles. I just basically lock them up in a room at some corner of my heart... I dunno ..i still havent find the key to release them yet. Even though i noe if i get to unlock these things..i might lead a happier life...there is some sort of reluctance to it now...

the uncertainties,
the first step,
are some of the invisible barriers that are stopping me.

till today, everytime i go out...im just wandering aimlessly...doing things that people had planned for me....doing things that others are doing...

i guess until now the hardest thing is to love and appreaciate myself...even though i noe alot of people out there are appreciating my presence.

im just tired of putting masks...i just do not wish to be another clown.